The Unibanger
by Mistress of the Sword
Summary: What happens when GW meets a cheesy detective flick? Caution Generalized bashing, but all in good fun, honestly! Please RR! Co-written by Grimsister.


Disclaimer: We do not own GW or cheesy detective stories. So no suing k? Also if you go insane because of the sheer lameness of this story we take no responsibility as you have just been forewarned. There is general bashing, unusual character combinations, and OOCness. There's humor there, we don't care what you say. :P Also no Hamster, or Piranhas were harmed/actually mutated in the making of this fic. 

**The Uni-Banger**  
by   
Mistress and Grimsister__

*It was a dark and stormy night. Really dark… too dark… Then someone came in and flicked on a light. *

"Damnit! What the hell did you do that for? You threw off the entire ambience for my narrative thoughts! What do you want this time?"

"Sitting here in the dark is bad for your eyes," Catherine Bloom replied mildly. 

*She was a pretty woman about my own age, with wavy red hair that hit her shoulders and big violet eyes. We had been friends for years, ever since we had been in law school together. She had a burning streak to correct the evils of the world and to see justice done, becoming one of the city's brightest lawyers. 

While I, I had become burned out. I was a cop for the S.Q.D., the Sanq Police Department, until the day everything changed. Now I'm just a P.I. Living on whiskey and the occasional case. *

 "Come on in Cat. You wanna drink?"

"And that stuff'll rot your guts." She retorted with a glare at the glass bottle perched on the edge of my desk. As usual she sent a disparaging glance around my little office before grabbing a seat in the chair sitting in front of my desk; the beat up leather sofa off to the side, the scratched and dusty floors, my desk wasn't in any better condition, and I had an old fashioned hat rack that fell over anytime anyone opened the door too far. I tried to see it from her eyes. The tiny room with its ancient furniture, and the chipped lettering that looked backwards from this side of the door touting the title Detective and my name, Dorothy Catoliona. 

 "So what's new," I asked politely, giving her my attention. 

"Nothing Dorothy, I just came by to see how you were doing, and to let you know that I'm going out of town for a couple of days so I want you to take care of my kitty for me.

*Kitty? That thing she claimed as her 'baby' was pure demon spawn. Why the thing hadn't already chewed her up and spit her out is beyond me. I don't think she quite looked at the case the same way I did, but if she thought for one second that I would take my life into my hands by feeding that monstrosity she has another think coming.*

"I can tell what you're thinking, you know. Come on, Lucivar is just a baby," she tried to coax me.

 "That baby is a lion cub from the circus you worked in before college. Why the city ever gave you a permit for it is beyond me," I grumbled before tossing back a shot. It burned going down and I started choking and coughing as Catherine bounced from her chair saying, "Great. I'll leave everything to you while I'm gone. Oh and remember not to wear yellow, for some reason all the toys he's chosen have been yellow. She was out the door before I could contradict her, but I decided that I would get revenge. Oh yes, I would get revenge. 

*It was only a few minutes after my unhappy encounter with my longtime friend that trouble walked into my life. He had soft rumpled blond hair with big blue eyes. Underneath his pink shirt and purple vest you could see his muscular chest was heaving in distress. A quick glance at his khakis showed me he was packing, and dangerous. But he really caught my attention when he opened his mouth, and spoke to me in that breathless, subtly come hither type way.*

" I am Quatre Raberber Winner. And I need help. I need _your_ help," he said in a breathless, subtly come hither type way.

"And what exactly would you be needing my help with Mr. *mumbles incoherently* Winner?"

He settled himself comfortably on the corner of my desk before turning his distressed baby blues on me. 

 "It started a couple of months ago. I was secretly having an affair with, er…uh, a friend of mine. Well actually, I was having an affair with her more pleasant personality. She died recently. And I suspect she was murdered because you don't find a lot of genetically engineered piranhas in a bath tub in this town. Also the calling card did sort of peak my suspicions that there had been foul play. Since then someone's been stalking me, I just know it! I can feel their eyes following me everywhere, undressing me… and I think they're going to try to kill me next! Please help me, I can… make it well worth your while." 

*The man's voice could melt a lady's bones, but I sensed there was something he wasn't telling me.*

 "I sense there's something you're not telling me," I said before I could get distracted by the rather tight pants he was wearing. 

 "Well, I'm wearing a pink thong but I didn't think that is relevant to the case."

I arched my eyebrows, and made a low humming noise in the back of my throat. 

 "It could be," I muttered under my breath before responding in my normal voice, "No I don't think it is."

*Before I could pursue this line of questioning there was a noise. It was a suspicions noise. And I had my suspicions about what it was. Then Catherine's voice floated through the tiny apartment building where my office was tucked away - my only warning. Suddenly a big golden beast burst through my office door, roaring at us. I'm afraid poor Mr. Winner, was so scared of Cat's brutish pet that he leapt on top of my desk and started screaming shrilly. The giant "kitty" just looked at the screeching human in a sort of feline (meaning disdainful) confusion, before curling up on my battered old couch. I stayed behind my desk knowing that if the cat went psycho and attacked us he would have to get through Mr. Winner first.*

 "What? Yeah so he's cute and I'm kinda into him, that doesn't mean I'm gonna put my butt on the line before I get paid," I defended myself against the mild disapproval that briefly appeared on the face of the bartender at the Wing Zero bar, Heero Yuy. "Yep that's pretty much how it happened," I finished, tossing back another shot. I had told him everything that transpired, only leaving out the pink thong part. I doubt it would have bothered Yuy, but it probably wasn't the sort of thing you told people about your clients. "I took the case, against my better judgment, and I spent weeks looking over the clues. Now all that's left is exposing the criminal, but I think it's important that everyone else be around when it happens. After all, they have a right to know. But before I do, I need another drink. It's really hard to accept."

Heero shrugged and poured her another drink. As he poured the drink Duo Maxwell, the most famous pimp in town, strolled in closely followed by his girls Hilde and Sylvia. They quietly took a seat in the corner as he made his way directly for the bar. 

 "Heya Dorothy. Ya know, now that you've started plucking you're a nice looking' dame. If ya ever need a job…" he trailed off suggestively as he propped his elbow on the bar next to her and gave her a good natured leer. 

 "Are you offering to let me cut your hair? 'Cause I moonlight as a barber," I flicked a glance at his treasured braid and he quickly jerked out of reach as if I had offered to snip off something equally precious to him.

 "That's not what I had in mind. Just think about what I said earlier." He flashed me a charming smile and grabbed the drink that Heero had prepared for him. Hm, he was apparently a regular around here.

*Not long after that in trailed the rest of the suspects in a steady trickle: Chang Wufei and his wife Noin, recently released from the hospital; the also recently released from the hospital, Zech's Marquise; Sally Po, a doctor at the hospital; Towa Barton, a clown; my client, Mr. *mumbles incoherently* Winner; and Catherine Bloom, who wasn't even a suspect and I have no idea why she showed up. Finally all the players were gathered and I watched them as they filled the room. 

Chang was sitting at the corner table opposite of Maxwell, muttering darkly. Noin sat beside him, her face expressionless. Zechs took the table next to them and was fidgeting with the ashtray as he waited for his drink. Trowa Barton took a seat a few stools down from me, his back to the rest of the bar. Quatre took a table not that far away and Catherine snagged the stool next to me. Sally sat at a table in the middle of the bar away from everyone else.* 

 "Good, you all made it." I announced to get everyone's attention. "Now as you all know, I was hired by Mr. … Winner to investigate the death of his companion. And in the course of my investigation , damn near all of you have come under my suspicion for some reason or other. However, I believe I have solved this case and so have invited you all here, so I could gloat about my genius. I mean, to unveil the perpetrator of this crime. To begin with, my investigation began with Lady Une, as she had been the first victim to come to my attention."

Quatre gasped. "You mean there were more?!" He demanded, shocked.

 "Uh, yeah," I blinked at him. "Uh, anyways here was how everything went. Mr. Winner," I stood up abruptly, startling the poor guy. "was having an affair with Lady Une and came to me thinking that her killer was going to target him next. The calling card that was found at the crime scene had seemed important, and so that was what I looked at first when I began to investigate. It turned out that there had been four crime scenes where the Uni-Banger's card had made an appearance before Lady Une's and one following her death; Relena, the next that of her servant Pagan, then there was the attempt on Zechs and Noin, followed by Lady Une's death, which preceded that of Treize.

The first death was that of Relena Peacecraft. A couple of months ago she had been sitting in her car, waiting for her faithful servant Pagan to return from the erotica store down the street with a purchase for Treize Kushrenada, whom she had been secretly having an affair with! She got impatient while she was waiting, however and so she stepped out of her car. Fortunately for her, as her pink car exploded a mere few minutes after her exit. However her killer was determined. And while she was walking up the steps to the store they had parked outside, her killer pushed a grand piano out of the large glass window of the second story of the music shop, crushing her. Unfortunately her servant had returned at this point at must have seen her murderer as he was found a few feet away from the piano. He had been shot. 

The next attempt on someone's life had come at Zech's house. He and Noin had been secretly having an affair and the murderer set explosives off around his house hoping that would kill them, instead merely injuring them both. The obvious suspect for the bombing was Chang Wufei. He would have been angry that his wife was cheating on him and there was the suspicious fact that while he was in the army his nickname had been 'The Banger'. However that didn't explain why he would want Relena and her manservant dead. So I kept digging. 

The third death was Lady Une's , she died in her bath tub because of fish problems. Then! Shortly after she died, Treize Kushrenada was killed in a dueling incident , involving giant genetically engineered hamsters with sharp pointy sticks. As with the others, the Uni-Banger card was found."

I stopped to take a sip of my drink and to let them absorb the information. Most of them seemed interested but unsure where this was leading.

 "Then when I went to the hospital I found out something interesting. Sally Po was the doctor of Zechs and Noin. She had a record of genetic experiments that she had been trying to get legal approval for. As it turned out, she had been treating Relena Peacecraft as well before the young politician's death. She had been friends with Lady Une, and had at one point worked for Duo, which is where she met Chang Wufei and how she began her long term secret affair with him! And so the killer is without any doubt none other than… Trowa Barton!" I finished triumphantly. 

A chorus of confusion greeted my announcement as everyone else tried to follow my logic. I rolled my eyes in exasperation.

 "Aw come on. Trowa was mad at Relena because she made fun of his hair, calling it a uni bang. So he vowed to get revenge by killing her and everyone she loves. So he kills her, and knocks off the only real witness to the crime. Then he gets Sally to help him with the genetically engineered stuff. She agrees because his next target is Zechs, and the chica he's having an affair with, Noin. Now Sally doesn't care for Noin because she's having an affair with Wufei. Sally is friends with Une, so she knows that Trowa'll have to get through her if he's going to take out Treize. Trowa uses his smaller genetic experiments on her needing more time to develop his hamster. The hamster gets big enough and takes on Treize because he had been having an affair with Relena. Winner felt like he was being watched, but that was because he and Une were having their affair at the same motel that Relena and Treize were having theirs. Since Treize and Une worked for the same company they had the same nights off, so originally Trowa wasn't sure who had been secretly having an affair with who. That's how it is, so now I have to turn him in."

Suddenly, and rather unexpectedly, Sylvia jumped up to scream at me," You can't have him! Trowa and I have secretly been having an affair so now we're going to run away and get married!" With that she raced over, grabbed his hand and ran from the bar pulling him behind her.

 "Well…" I mumbled as I stared after them, "Another drink Heero.?" He shrugged and filled up my glass. Before everyone else decided what they were going to do a couple of officers burst through the front door. They charged toward Sally and grabbed, cuffing her hands behind her back. One of them turned to me and said, "Good job in finding Sally Po, Dorothy. We've been looking for her."

"Oh yeah? Why?" I asked curiously. Yeah ok, so she was accessory to the crimes but without the main bad guy there hardly seemed a point to getting all worked up. 

 "Sally has been a very busy girl," the other officer commented before he started rattling off her rights as he marched her to the door.

 "Tell me about it. She's the only person who was connected with everyone in the latest string of murders," I agreed.

"What are you talking about? Sally is wanted in 47 countries. She's an international terrorist who once worked for NASA, a drug dealer in Guatemala, and is guilty of arms dealing, disposing of nuclear waste in the Pacific, genocide of Pygmies in South America, poaching house cats in suburbia for an underground dog food company, cruelty to humans, jaywalking, trafficking penguins across state lines, snipe hunting without a permit, animal experimentation, hijacking planes (specifically Air Force one), hacking into the Library of Congress records, parole violation, and she has an overdue library book.," the first officer explained into the sudden silence. 

"Wait, an overdue library book?" I demanded.

"Uh huh."

 "It wasn't the latest Wheel of Time one was it?" I again demanded.

"Actually I think that's it," he seemed surprised that I knew that.

 "That _bitch_! I've been waiting for that book for weeks now! Do you know how long it takes for one of those books to get out in the first place?!"

"Um, right. I have to go now," the officer explained, trying to unclench my fingers from around his collar. I allowed him to make an escape, still seething over the damn book. Everyone else seemed to think that this was their cue as well since Noin and Zechs got up and left together. Wufei and Duo left, debating what $50 worth of Hilde actually constituted; she occasionally added her own two-cents to the dealing. Winner continued to sit there in surprise, seeming to be absorbing everything that had happened. I decided this called for another drink and went back to the bar. 

 "Hey Catherine, what are you doing here?" I asked her as I remembered that she hadn't been on my invitation list.

"Me? Actually I just came by for Heero. We've secretly been having an affair and he gets off in about 5 minutes."

 "What? Is everyone but me getting lucky around here?" I grumbled in annoyance. 

 "Did you actually spend weeks working that out?" An unfamiliar male voice asked me. I glanced up in confusion. _Heero__ was actually speaking! _"You could have just asked me, you know. Everyone tells me everything, but no one asks me anything." 

I sputtered as I grasped what he meant. "You knew about everything that was going on?!"

 "I knew what everyone wanted to drink without anyone asking," he pointed out as if that explained everything. And indeed it did. It meant they were all regulars and they probably sat there rambling to him over their drinks, just like I do. 

"Well isn't that just wonderful." I downed my drink and tossed some bills on the counter. As I started to make my way to the door I heard Mr. Winner calling my name.

"Miss Dorothy? This is going to sound very strange I bet, but… would you like a cup of coffee?" 

 "Sure, why not?"

* I grinned at the beautiful blonde as we walked to the door. I glanced back to see my friends wave, and returned it before following Quatre into the street, where it was a dark and stormy night. Really dark… too dark…*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then an author came in and turned off the computer! Hehehehe! Just kidding. Ok, this was a really bad fic, but we were trying to wrap it up. Yes it was very OOC with lots of bashing all the way around. It was written between Grimsister and myself so lots of weirdness was involved, but the basic idea was a cheesy detective story with GW characters. Sorry but we were hyped on sludge and caffeine when we started it so everything was funny at that point. Please R/R. Everything welcome, even flames-(compliments and suggestions preferred). And no we do not as a general rule we do not view these characters in this particular light. That would be weird, even for us…

  
~Character Cast~

Dorothy: The slightly alcoholic/rough around the edges detective.  
Quatre: The stereotypical sexy blonde that's bustin' out and needs help, the detective's… help  
Heero: Sympathetic bartender  
Catherine: Dorothy's friend and Heero's lover, popular lawyer  
Duo: Random pimp, just for color around the edges  
Hilde and Sylvia: his girls  
Relena: first victim, killed by piano  
Pagan: second victim, shot  
Noin, having affair with Zechs, married to Wufei  
Zechs: Relena's bro, see Noin, not married to Wufei  
Une: Quatre's lover, third victim, eaten by piranhas, worked for Treize  
Treize: final victim, killed by hamsters  
Trowa: the Uni-Banger, runs off with Sylvia  
Sally: pretty much everything else in the story/ crime world  
Lucivar: my cat, a lion for the story  
  


Calling Card:   
THE UNI-BANGER  
OPEN THUR-SUN, BUT NOT ON FRIDAYS  
BOX NUMER: 4  
AVAILIBLE FROM ONE TO TWO  
PLEASE DO NOT CALL AFTER 3PM


End file.
